In my last update I mentioned that I was going to have a surgery and take time off to heal. There is much I will mention in this post, but the main thing is that I will not be volunteering for Divine Truth or God’s Way organisations for the next 6 months, for emotional & physical health reasons, and after this period my involvement will depend on these things being sorted and whether I feel passionate about living God’s Way, and assisting these organisations to further the teachings about it. This also means that I am no longer a member of God’s Way Ltd.
In this post I would like to update about what’s been happening, about my current inability to volunteer, and about some big changes I need to make in myself.
I am sorry for this post being rather selfish, so to save you time and energy, I wanted to just announce the key points above that I am not volunteering for Divine Truth production any more, as the main update, I am afraid the rest of the post is going to be a rather long blob.
After my last post, I have received the kindest emails from some of you and was completely overwhelmed by them. Thank you for reaching out.
Before I get into my post I would like to thank everyone who has supported me financially and who also shared their appreciation for the time I spent volunteering at Divine Truth. I often feel sad that I haven’t met most of you in person. But I do appreciate your kindness and generosity. I believe, that the past support will have even a bigger meaning to me once I work through some emotional beliefs that block me currently to fully see and understand the whole picture of my situation. But more about that later in the blog.
Overview of my involvement in assisting Divine Truth to reach people around the world
I would like to take a little time to review my journey so far and how I got where I am today. This will add the needed meaning to the emotional injuries I will mention later in the post.
I followed Igor’s passion to get involved in spreading Divine Truth. How I understand his emotional passion, is that it streams from the intellectual understanding of a lot of beautiful aspects of God’s Truth. Igor is not as afraid to take actions to spread the teachings to others, I basically came along with him doing that.
Unlike many people, I didn’t have the honeymoon period when I first heard the Divine Truth teachings by Jesus, which by the way were attracted into my life through Igor’s research & openness. I immediately got angry and depressed even more about myself and my life. I only now start to see intellectually what that anger is about. But this is not what I wish to highlight in this example. In 2010, I followed Igor’s passion, because I wasn’t excited about Divine Truth myself, to get closer to the area where Jesus & Mary worked from, in order for us to offer assistance to their efforts. My involvement was gradual and increased over time due to necessity for certain things that needed to be done (and I felt passionate about getting involved to get them done) and due to lack of volunteers who were willing to offer their time to do those things. Now I can see that a lot of my motivation was selfish in the way that I often offered my help when there was a need and when I felt excited to be helpful or useful. It is important to mention here, that Igor & I didn’t start the spreading of Divine Truth, Jesus was already doing that for several years prior to us even hearing about it, we just came along to assist with whatever ways we knew how back then. Also, over the years, Jesus & Mary have purchased necessarily equipment for us to do the service we were involved in, which is recording & producing of video & audio material. All along the way Jesus was there to offer us not only personal guidance, but technical support, training, equipment configuration, planning, financing the entire operation & overseeing our processes. He was creating the framework in which we could operate. This should explain the point I am about to make, and that is that I (will speak for myself here only) did not exercise a lot of my own personal desire nor responsibility for creation of the position I am in today. If you think about it, most of you responded to donating to me & Igor after the endorsement from Jesus & Mary over the years. I don’t believe that I have the full scope of what occurred in my life in the recent years, because I also relied upon somebody else’ vision & passion to guide my own life, decisions & direction.
Several months prior to hearing Divine Truth teachings by Jesus for the first time, back in 2010, I remember thinking and wishing I knew who I was and what I wanted. I was depressed, lost, angry and disappointed with myself and life. I felt as if I was drifting in the sea relying on the direction it would take me without knowing how to paddle myself or where to navigate my paddling. Nothing made sense as to how I was going to change the way I felt about myself. I felt stuck, depressed & couldn’t move. I also didn’t have the tools needed to make any change. Today it is a very different story. I am sad to say that I still have the same emotional causals that make me feel that way and also that create the life I feel so disappointed about. But, alas, thanks for years of hearing Divine Truth information, I can see the direction I can take now, and have some awareness how to do that. I will talk more about my reliance on Jesus, Mary, Igor & Divine Truth teachings to escape making my own decisions, heal the causal reasons for not being connected to my passions, and be guided in the direction in my life which I did not choose myself, later in the post.
Understanding God’s Way is a process
Before I wrap up this section of my post, I also wanted to mention that understanding how to live a life following God’s Way is a process, that takes actual physical time for us to get it. It also takes many different experiments with what we heard before we make up an intellectual or an emotional (depending how the process was engaged) awareness if what we heard, personally makes sense to us or not.
I found that this process starts from having initial emotions after I intellectually hear something. In other words we respond emotionally to a data entry (what ever reached us) into our intellect. Those emotions may be happy or otherwise, but they are not yet the true emotional understanding of that data entry, they are just our emotional response to what we heard with our intellect. This is a process often before we even start deconstructing any emotional complications within us using the information we heard. I can see that on some important issues which have been highlighted to me and the truth offered, I didn’t even engage in the initial process of assimilation of the information intellectually let alone deconstructing the complicated emotional structure within me that was causing a whole lot of problems for me and others in my life. This is caused by my lack of desire to look at the particular issue, my attitude that dictates my actions or lack of, was drivin by this desire.
This process is most fascinating to me, and I have a great example of how this happens in a more practical scenario. Three years ago, I tried to do juice fast and lasted only 4 days, by which I was so sick physically, vomiting & feeling exhausted, I couldn’t even think of drinking another glass of juice. Emotionally I was miserable and complaining that it was all too hard and painful. I quit and never tried it again, nor I researched any helpful information about the juicing and the symptoms that I was experiencing, this is because I simply didn’t have the desire for it, so I dropped the whole idea.
This experience highlighted to me the following attitudes I had: I didn’t want to do juicing, I felt it was restrictive, I was afraid of it and how it may’ve made me feel, I felt forced into it rather than welcomed it, I didn’t have faith in benefits it may bring me, I wanted the potential results I thought I needed without making big changes in my life or diet.
To contrast, at the moment I am preparing to go on a 12 months (minimum) juicing and a very specific meal preparation therapy. It took me 6 month to work through rage and resistance to such a dietary approach. I am now really looking forward to it and have been introducing many aspects of that therapy already into my diet before I even began it officially.
This time my attitudes are completely different about juicing: I want it, I feel I need it, I welcome it, I have more faith in what it can offer my body, I researched all about it – the type of the juices, their chemical composition and effects on my body, information relating to the symptoms in my body due to what the juices may set off and how to deal with it all.
This is how I see myself with dealing or not dealing with emotional errors inside of me, I either have the attitude to want to resolve them or I want to run away from dealing with them. This is also the same to how I receive truth, I either dread it, don’t see any good in it, as an opposite to when I long for the truth and answers because I am already on the discovery journey and any extra information is a welcomed information that clarifies things I want to understand and experience the benefits of implementing the new knowledge into my life. I still need to make the full change to wanting the truth about any subject, at the moment I hate hearing truth about certain things in my life and in myself.
Jesus & Mary have been aware of many of my emotional errors and have been patiently waiting for me to attend to my issues, they have offered feedback but have not pressed on the issues to be a line in the sand. While I have resolved some other issues, I skipped over the most ruling problems in my life, ironically the compensation from which – was making me very unhappy, however I did not want to link the compensation to the causes within me, I just wanted the compensation to go away.
This is all I wanted to mention as an overview before giving some other updates and details about the future.
A little about the illness
I had the surgery to remove a small tumour from my cervix and to assess tissue around it, this was in late August this year. I took 3 weeks to heal, and another 5 weeks to feel strong again. This has meant that I took one complete week away from volunteering for Divine Truth production and have been on a reduced workload up until 2 weeks ago, when I stopped volunteering all together and this week I will be just handing things over to Jesus & Mary.
Before and after the operation there were emotional few weeks, and I can’t say I have been coping well. Any illness offers us a great insight into what is happening in our life, in ourselves, that needs our urgent attention. The surgery assisted myself & doctors to know if the cancer was localised and came out with the tumour or if it’s spread out. Unfortunately, the biopsy results and the scans identified that the cancer has metastasized into the 3 local lymph nodes which can not be operated on. I decided to not have radiation & chemotherapy, and opted for natural therapies, finding and hopefully resolving my emotional cause for the cancer. Its up to me now to deal with my emotional addictions that caused my cancer, which will determine if the cancer will spread further or if I can heal it.
The important part of the healing is coming to terms with the diagnosis. I found this step especially difficult. In some strange way, before the official diagnosis, I was aware I had the cancer, this was the prompt to get checked up for it. Having said that, I am still in shock and struggle emotionally to grasp the full aspect of my cancer. I find myself swing in & out of wanting to run away from all the research and decisions about my next steps in life. I have been encouraged by people around me to continue engaging in the process in accepting it emotionally, to learn from the process of acceptance and build my faith to keep going further – resolving the causes. Jesus & Mary especially have taken a lot of their personal time to understand the emotional causes for my illness and offered me their insights, love and encouragement. I am very lucky to have had such a loving support from people who have more faith in my healing than I currently do myself. I know that not many people are as lucky as I am. In the future, I would love to be able to offer that support to somebody else, so I am documenting my personal journey, to maybe have something to share with someone else about the causes of cancer, what works to heal it and what doesn’t. At this stage its just an idea, to dedicate a seperate website that will also offer resources and links to websites & books that are helping me. This all depends on my recovery and how I will feel about this desire of mine.
Due to my reduced capacity to work, I haven’t been very productive at getting things completed. In the past few work weeks during the days I attended Divine Truth studio, I was receiving training from Jesus about colour correction of the videos, I assisted in some production of new Divine Truth material and in training of other volunteers to continue the video and audio editing work.
I now feel, after a feedback from Mary, that I should and definitively could have been responsible and transparent about my involvement and the changes to it with all of you here who come to read. This could have effected the decisions of people who donated to me in the past 4 weeks, to channel their funds to other volunteers within the companies. I am sorry about misleading you by delaying the update on the changes I am going through in my life. This is very selfish and I am sorry that it happened. This was largely caused by the issues with my current moral compass and by my addictions, as I did not want to end my volunteering in order to heal and look after myself, despite my serious illness, because I didn’t want to stop receiving the feelings from what I do or from people who see me doing things, that helped me feel not alone, needed, worthy, busy, safe, motivated, guided, assisted, etc…
My intention is not to waste myself to my addictions that cause my cancer, but to work through them, so I can be of a better service to the world and to actually enjoy it, this is a real potential for me but it depends on discovering what my desires are and wether I go through these feelings or not.
Emotional Injuries & Corrections
Anger is our guide, Jesus said many times and even gave long seminars on the subject, you can watch it here and here. I haven’t trusted that message or the truth behind connecting to anger will bring positive outcome. I have pages of justifications for why expressing my anger is going to be bad (like: change my sense of self, relationships, and change opinions people have about me). All these excuses are bull shit. With my logic mind non of those reasons make sense, but emotionally I feel otherwise. All to justify keeping it, storing it inside of me, hiding my distress, never addressing people who I have issues with in fear of the argument and the destabilisation of my viewpoint. I am angry about having to expose my anger for one of many reasons, to just not be convinced that my feelings are ungrounded. I believe my healing can not properly start until I deconstruct my list of reasons for not releasing my anger, for choosing to store it and not let go of it, for not being honest with people in every situation about how I feel. I have been letting myself selectively to get angry in the past 6 months, but I haven’t fully surrendered to my feelings and so I control how long I spend feeling. I definitely have not opened to people about my true feelings to full extend. Mary wrote great couple of posts about surrendering to our feelings, which I find encouraging to re-read now, you can check them here and here.
Recently I was told by a few friends, that I wasn’t taking my illness seriously enough and needed to spend all of the time healing the true cause of it. Take the time off. I got really mad with them, but it was true, I was (am) still fighting to surrender fully to my experience. I still wanted to keep at least one foot in the life I was used to. Most people would think “of course! Take the time off!” but for me the advice challenged the very addictions I wanted to meet by working (I will talk about them later in the post). This simple loving advice brought up couple of emotions: the anger about having to do something about these addictions, I don’t want to and I don’t want the consequences that will follow my lack of desire; and then the panic about passing which is a real outcome if I don’t work through the causes of my cancer – the denial about the addictions.
My addiction is to have a job, something to do, so I can have a role and can earn to feel certain way. I get to avoid all personal responsibility to make changes needed to be happy and fulfilled.
The truth is I can not earn any feelings. It occurred to me that God doesn’t allow me to earn anything. I demand that I do get those feelings from what I do and from who I do it for. This is the sin, because I break God’s Laws of Love.
The feelings I get through my demands are never enough to cover over things I don’t want to feel: feeling incapable, unworthy, alone, unwanted and just crappy about myself and about people who made me feel this way. So I demand more. I work harder, trying harder to earn what I want. What is mind bubbling is that I did not really know I was doing it until these 2-4 weeks. This is because, as I mentioned earlier in the post, I chose to ignore the intellectual truth and therefore didn’t even have any emotional responses to it, when I was explained these issues by Jesus & Mary while working at the studio.
Same goes for earning money. With my head I understand that money shouldn’t be earned, they should be gifted. I don’t believe this with my heart yet. My motivations to work, should not be to earn money, but to gift something to the world that can be truly of assistance. I have a compulsion for earning money, I want to believe this is the only way to live a life; and it also relates to earning these feelings of worth, that money represent to me. This has been a problem for a long time now, I expect the validation, approval and getting the worth through the external means. How I now know that I expect these things, because when I don’t have them I get angry & terribly upset, worried that I don’t matter, that what I do is never good enough, that others are better, etc…
In 2012, Jesus actually discussed really well emotions we try to earn through jobs, in the talks about Ethics & Morality, if you are interested you could watch here: part 1 & part 2
I can not volunteer at the moment, because I have used volunteering to meet my addictions that caused my cancer. It is possible to volunteer my time and challenge my addictions, but I haven’t done that successfully up to now. I will explain more about what I mean by my addictions relating to volunteering.
I have been assisted with a lot of feedback from Jesus & Mary to see the dynamics in me while engaged in these addictions. It’s like I see volunteering (which is not a true volunteering) as a way to barter for things I want. So for example, I believe I can earn worth, and that I can earn approval and validation. So at the end, what I engage in is not volunteering, but a common barter that I was used to engaging all my life when I worked at other places.
I now decided that I want to let go of my investments in getting these addictions, and will challenge my investments in whatever I do, who I do it for, no matter what I will loose. This will allow me to be honest about how I feel no matter what. While volunteering at DT studio, I didn’t challenge my addiction to not speak up no matter what, as I was too invested in what was going to happen if I did and I didn’t want to loose my involvement due to what it meant personally for me.
For this process to start, I am borrowing faith from others who believe that this process will build my faith in this living, that it will be way better than how it is now, because this is how I will learn to be myself, not betray the love of self and through this honesty will find closeness and friendships out in the world that I long for.
Because of my resistance to giving up my addictive demands, upon other people to give me what I want, to stop and think for myself and about people in my life and how I am best to take care of myself and look after myself given the situation; I also was in denial that I was unloving towards Jesus, Mary and God’s Way Ltd current directors, by putting them into a position to look after me. Instead of being responsible & finding a way to be financially supported while I am going through this experience, I ended up burdening and forcing them to do that for me and to think about my financial matters. This is an unloving imposition. An “inaction” (driven by addictions at play) on my behalf meant somebody who is more loving is forced to take the action to assist me. I learnt about this fact personally in my life of sharing accommodation with other people, for example: when one person likes a clean house and another doesn’t care about it, the first person ends up cleaning up all the time; or when one person considers a good time for family/group dinner to start the food preparation ahead of when everyone is already starving, while others are just waiting until they feel hungry and only then they will think about it which is often too late.
I was first explained by Jesus & Mary about the dynamic I have with earning worth, love & approval, earlier this year, which is interlaced with earning money. These are very common false beliefs in the world at the moment. We think we can earn love by doing things for others, I still do, earn approval and validation by giving somebody what I feel they want. This is a manipulation and is out of harmony with love of self or others.
I don’t believe that love is a gift, but the truth is that I should only ever gift my time out of love, and not to give in order to get something back. Early this year, when this was mentioned to me, I remember feeling really challenged by hearing that I have these motivations, but I didn’t know how I was going to tackle the deconstruction of these false beliefs. I now see that I am addicted to keeping them and that’s why it’s been very hard to just change myself. This means that I have continued to engage in this way up until now. The opportunities I missed… with time I see it as an indication that there are changes I need to make in my life which I have been avoiding and I need to start with investigation of truth intellectually and allowing myself to have emotional responses, to get the process going, to develop new desires.
I now applied for the government support which will financially help me out until I sort myself out.
Emotionally I have been resisting to get onto government support because I am addicted to earning money, not just be given money – it makes me feel guilty and unworthy because I feel I haven’t earned it, the very feelings I need to feel, so in many ways having government support is a blessing but I have been fighting it like a crazy. It’s interesting how that happens, we fight the loving outcome thinking it will be worse.
Volunteering & Loving Others
I am not sure if you all aware that Divine Truth and God’s Way organisations operate very differently to any other organisation, one of these differences is that they do not employ people to work there. Instead, it is people who express their desire to be involved. I thought to take a moment to explain the difference between being employed and volunteering as this is also where I personally struggle. At these two organisations, everyone is a volunteer, who wishes to gift their time, resources and skills. This is not a place of getting things for yourself, it’s a place of giving something to the world. Being employed for a wage is based on a contract that dictates that things agreed upon will be exchanged, time for money, services or goods.
You can see from what I explained above about me engaging in addictions (to earn/get worth, validation and approval) means that a lot of the times when I was ‘volunteering’ I wasn’t, because I wasn’t giving from my heart. Engaging in the addictions prohibit me from fully giving. Volunteering is not about working for others to get something I need, it can not be driven by a desire to earn money, or by needing a job. It’s about gifting your time and love to the world, being alongside with others alike who aim for the same goal. I haven’t yet been able to do that full time.
My cancer is a wake up call that doesn’t come more personalised than this.
I am fighting the surrender to my feelings, I am angry with anyone who points out to me that I want to deny my true causes of cancer. The anger takes many shapes: arrogance, justifications, blame, demand, defensiveness or withdrawal. Jesus, Mary & Igor have been the main people who confronted my lack of desire to spend the needed time to heal and to make all necessary arrangements to be able to do that, and I have been reacting in anger towards them, because I want to continue earning the worth, the approval and the validation. This is what actually is driving my cancer.
I will be using these 6 months, to heal and to connect deeper with my heart. I want to work through this emotional mess to see what I really want to do. Instead of being driven my these messy addictions.
I want to emotionally heal myself which in return I have faith will heal my body too.
At this stage I don’t know how I am going to go with volunteering my time after 6 months, as many corrections need to take place before I can say I am truly volunteering. I will try to keep an update on it here.