These 3 months have been emotionally challenging, work challenging, relationship challenging, health challenging. Challenging! And very interesting.
Before I get onto other things, I wanted to say a big thank you for the donations that a lot of you send to me personally. They assist me greatly to pay for my small living expenses and food, while I continue to volunteer my time in the production team at Divine Truth and also can partake in many activities and projects that are run by God’s Way Ltd. This is an amazing way to live a life and I deeply appreciate your support.
Normally I would separate my post into clear sections, but I find that all aspects of my life are interlinked and are contributing to each other at the moment.
Emotional issues that come up at work, often act as doorways for my understanding what else is going on in my life, in my relationship with Igor, this also helps me in self reflections and discoveries or understanding about bigger issues in my life or just about the causes for my physical issues. And whenever I don’t deal with issues in my relationship that always effects how I feel about my work and about my life. Whenever I don’t deal with physical concerns, that always puts a blanket on how enjoyable I find life, relationships or work. So, at the moment it is all interconnected.
I still find it hard to find the inspiration to share with others about how I am going, and normally do only after I fully go through the issues and resolve them and feel a relief or completion. There are those moments, in between the new challenges and the ones that I have overcome, and they are normally very happy moments when I feel alive and confident in my abilities to live life to its fullest and to embrace new challenges all over again. It would be great if I could catch those times to write my updates. But that would not be 100% representative of my life nor its always possible to sit down to write before the week/day/moment runs away.
So I thought, why the heck not to share while I am in the midst of the mess.
My June, July & August were emotionally difficult due to a lot of my addictions, getting worth from what I do, being confronted and exposed. I never thought how painful it will be to disconnect my worth from what I do for others. On a few occasions I remember making the decision to seek worth through what I do, and that was often in the moments when it was a favourable decision. Not a painful decision as it seemed. It helped me avoid how I felt at the time, empty, useless, worthless, lonely, anxious and sad. I remember a thought creeping up “Why don’t I do that or this. Why don’t I get involved in that, offer help with this?, etc.” I would throw myself into the task and forget about the other feelings. But its not as simple as that, since I do have an internal expectation that the task or people who I do it for help me avoid the other feelings that inspired me to do it in the first place. Man or man I did not know how painful it will be to rip off this temporarily bandage from the old wound. During the process of disconnecting my worth from what I do, it feels like I am disappearing from people’s lives, that I am becoming less favourable, less likeable, less preferable, stupid, useless, incapable and unachieved. Like I am less than anything worthy. This is not a fun time, but somewhat healthy and I know it.
I volunteer at Divine Truth and God’s Way organisations (DT & GW), where we do not believe that engaging in addictions is a loving way to live. This is because addictions often are engaged in a frenzy and we use people, situations or substances to cover over our pains and hurts. This way of living doesn’t lead to happiness but often makes us selfish, insincere and manipulative, in addition to all of that ‘using’, it makes us to remain unhappy.
I mention where I volunteer because at work, we confront addictions in each other, and strive to not feed them. It’s safe to say that the three month in question, were the hardest months since I started volunteering at these organisations (since 2011). Because of my addictions to getting worth, validation and having a role (belong to something) were exposed, challenged and not fed.
I have been super angry and terrified of that anger to properly surface. This is where the feelings that want to surface are capped and repressed by the fears and the desire to remain in facade. It’s a torturous internal fight that keeps going until I let myself have my feelings, only than I feel the truth on the issues and understand where I stand. While I am in the fighting mode, everything is upside down, logic doesn’t exist, people who you love and who love you (also who do not feed you addictions and demands) apear mean and distant, judgemental and preferential. It’s a truly crazy time.
I found the key is to submit to whatever emotions as frequently as possible. Sit, run, drive, walk (what ever makes it happen) and feel whatever responses are coming up as a result of addictions not being met. Screaming, yelling and bashing things (chopping wood) is ultimately helpful to reconnect to inner urges to express the feelings and frustrations that were repressed.
In these times I often would seek comfort in Igor’s company, to help me survive the emotional ‘storm’, seek his guidance. This is another addiction I have been attempting to expose and challenge, so I was restricting myself from running to him to be rescued from my feelings. This is super hard at the moment.
The addictions above were also assisting me not to feel lonely while I am feeling others emotions. So ultimately these few months felt immensely lonely, even though I wasn’t alone, I had friends who loved me and didn’t want to feed me with feelings that would keep me out of my other painful emotions. This is how God works with us too. This is what actually normal, not the demanding frenzy of comfort seeking that I engage in normally.
During these months there have been some very exciting new projects in DT & GW which I was offered to participate in. One of these projects called Information Sharing, and one of the new tasks involved volunteers and members of these organisations write about things they are involved in, that they are learning and assisting with. I will link some of these posts in my blogs here to save time rewriting a lot of that information again.
At Divine Truth studio, Jesus, Mary, Eloisa and me also recorded and produced some of my most favourite presentations by Jesus & Mary. Jesus said he is aiming to send these presentations out along with a massive website update. So keep an eye out for what’s new following the links to 2018 downloads section.
Another update is about my break from work, starting from next week. I’ve had some health issues since 2014 and so I am taking 2-4 weeks off from work to have an operation and take the time to heal and to further explore causal reasons for my illness. I will write more about this journey in another post, to share what’s been happening, what has worked for me and didn’t work to assist with my health issue and the emotions behind it.
I feel these 3 months were all about breaking my old ways and are the preview of what is my future few years will be about. Yes things may be easier at times or more difficult but I am starting to get the sense of what may living God’s Way look like for me. And the ‘for me’ part is what is important. Because I have listened to Divine Truth material for 8 years and did not really understand it. It often frustrated me, why I couldn’t get things, I remember thinking maybe it was my knowledge of language (English being my second language). But I can now see that the only way to understand the theory that is presented in Divine Truth material is to reflect about it and apply it to my own life and situations. I can see now that exposing and confronting our addictions will always do the trick of getting into some new spaces where we might be afraid to go to. This is when we engage in the way that is truthful and allow everything that that follows to come back to us, and when we understand what its all about and why we have created that situation, is when we properly start to understand what the heck we are doing and where we are standing in the gradual process of emotional growth towards God.
Until next time,